What If "Self-Care" Actually IS Selfish?

I remember when I first heard the term “self-care.”  I was a burned-out, people-pleasing music teacher, and, having had enough, had just made the choice to pursue something that felt like it was truly for me: a certification as a holistic wellness coach.  It was in this training program that I first heard of the idea of “self-care,” and it was radical to me.  It felt like a relief to know that I was actually allowed to make active choices that would enhance my well-being, and that articulating and pursuing my own needs and desires - in business and in life - was not inherently a bad thing.  

So, I am a proponent of self-care, and part of my mission as a coach is to help people - fellow artists, mostly - get in touch with their true desires for their music and their career paths, instead of following all of the “shoulds” we, as musicians, are bombarded with from all sides.

Since that time, “self-care” has become its own culture with its own slogans, such as “self-care isn’t selfish.”  “Put on your own oxygen mask first.”  “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”  

All of these analogies have some truth to them, but I believe there is always a caveat: if we are not careful, self-care actually can become selfish.  

Gasp, right?

Let’s look at the oxygen mask analogy as an example.

First, let me say that I understand where the oxygen mask idea comes from. 

As a

woman and a service-based business owner, I understand what it is like to go from thinking you have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm, to learning to cultivate that inner fire that will light you up and radiate outward to others.  The oxygen mask analogy is a way of trying to help those who are neglecting their well-being for the sake of relational and situational dynamics that perpetuate their smallness and others’ sense of entitlement and/or toxic behaviors to see that there is a better way.  

But the modern definition of “self-care” has gotten so far from these ideas as to be incongruent with the analogy’s original intent.

Think about what the word “care” means.  If you care for other people, what do you do for them?  Maybe you’re responsible for feeding, clothing, and bathing them.  Maybe you’re responsible for procuring essentials that they can’t obtain themselves. Maybe you’re responsible for transporting them hither and thither.  Maybe you’re responsible for their education.  Maybe you’re responsible for providing moral support and encouragement for them as they navigate their challenges.

Now let’s apply all of this to care of the self.

Notice what word comes up again and again - responsible.  In the same way that you are responsible for the well-being of those who cannot fully care for themselves or those who require your support in some way, you are responsible for your own care - as a capable, mature adult.  Self-care is really the responsibility to take care of oneself.  

If the word “care” seems too trite or overused for you, then try substituting the word “love.”  Do you love yourself?  Do you make the same decisions on your own behalf as you do for those you love?

I think of the Christian command, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

We are commanded to love ourselves.  We are entrusted with the stewardship of our own bodies, souls, and minds.  

We hear a lot of sermons about what it means to love other people, but very few about how to love ourselves.

Love is not selfish, and that includes self-love - so long as it is properly ordered.

The people-pleasers and those other folks who have been taught that their needs always come last will come out at this point and say, “But what about sacrifice!  What about generosity!  What about selfless giving!”

You are right.  We are called to give selflessly and sacrifice for others.  But that doesn’t mean we neglect ourselves. 

You wouldn’t neglect a person you love and care about, or a pet or even a houseplant.  Those are living things that require care.

You are a living thing that requires care.

Here’s the thing, though: loving ourselves doesn’t mean bubble baths and pedicures and chocolates.  Those things have their place, but that’s not what self-love is.  Self-love means making choices and decisions and cultivating habits and routines that are going to contribute to your well-being over time, help you to be a more integrated person, and increase your capacity and willingness to love and serve other people.

To serve other people.

You take care of yourself so that you can effectively serve others.  Your “self-care” ultimately isn’t for you - it’s for other people.  We put on our oxygen mask first, so that we can help other people do the same.

Why?  Because when we serve others, that, in itself, if done from a place of authenticity and integrity, is actually a means of self-care.  When we serve others with joy and fulfill our duties toward them faithfully, we cultivate virtues in ourselves.  We become better people.

This is such a crucial piece of self-care that a lot of people miss, and when I say that self-care can become selfish, this is what I mean.  Self-care has become about putting on one’s own oxygen mask first, and then stopping there.  It’s become about filling one’s cup, and then putting a tight lid on it.

I’ve seen recovered people-pleasers who, rather than use their newly-discovered authenticity to advocate for themselves charitably and serve others with joy, swing the pendulum in the complete opposite direction, creating brick-wall boundaries around their time and energy and viewing any breaches as a disrespectful imposition.  They view every difficult thing as a threat to their peace, and their default response is to defend their brick-wall boundary as if their life depended on it.

And, in a sense, I understand this.  Once you discover that you don’t have to live as a burned-out, resentful people-pleaser, and you begin to occupy a space that allows you to claim and fulfill the needs you neglected in yourself before, you are loath to do anything that will recreate your former situation.  There are certainly times when we must hold fast to our boundaries, and use firm language with people who would seek to use us and/or our gifts for their own convenience and/or personal gain.

But here’s the thing: self-care is not about retreating from life because we feel exhausted or resentful.  It’s not about escaping life’s pressures and demands.  It’s not supposed to be a reaction to one’s life.  It’s not about avoiding pain or discomfort.

Furthermore, friends, we can’t go through life with this kind of scarcity mindset around our energy.  This is not self-care - it is a kind of self-preservation instinct and defensiveness that arises out of fear.  We can’t live in a state of reactivity, where we batten down the hatches every time something unpleasant, difficult, or unexpected crosses our path, or come out with our swords and shields every time we are presented with a conflict or misunderstanding.  If we are living in this kind of fear and reactivity, there is no way we can show up fully for ourselves or for others. 

In fact, if you view any unpleasant or unexpected thing that comes your way as a

threat to your energy such that you feel the need to respond with defensiveness and aggression, it probably means you are not taking full responsibility for stewarding your energy in a way that is appropriate to your calling in life.

Read that again.  I’ll wait.

Part of self-care is learning how to manage your energy.  You’re responsible for where your energy goes.  You’re responsible for replenishing it.  

But, Ellen, I hear you say.  So many people and things in my life are huge energy drains - what am I supposed to do?

Well, could it be true that you have some energy vampires in your life?  Sure.  I think we’ve all been there.  

But I contend that you probably have fewer energy vampires in your life than you think, and your problem is really energy agency.  Are you allowing certain people, situations, dynamics, etc. to drain your energy unnecessarily?  Are you giving your power over to energy leaks?

Because when we talk about service and having the capacity to sacrifice, what we are NOT talking about is sacrificing our well-being to enable or perpetuate behaviors or situations that are harmful to you or others, or picking up burdens that are not yours to carry, or taking on any kind of labor that is not yours to do.  All of us have our crosses to carry in life - but let’s make sure they are YOUR crosses that are meant for you, instead of ones you are artificially creating for yourself.  

We are also not talking about creating and perpetuating a dynamic where others are allowed to develop an unhealthy reliance on you.  Loving and serving others does not mean enabling their laziness or weaponized incompetence.  Instead, we should be modeling sacrificial behavior in a way that will inspire others to do the same - and sometimes that means teaching them that we can’t, and won’t, do everything for them.

So, I ask you - if you feel like you have to be insanely protective of your energy, such that you emerge from behind your brick wall grudgingly - where are your energy leaks?  Be honest.  Where you could be making better choices for yourself in order to manage your own energy? Where are you picking up crosses that are not yours to carry?  Where are you enabling behaviors in others that wear you down and ultimately won’t help them, either?  

It’s okay.  We’ve all done it.  I’ve done it.  It’s possible to change your situation - but first, you have to identify where you’re going wrong, however well-intentioned you might be, and then figure out what you can do instead.

So, what can you do instead?  

Instead of continuing to use your energy to perpetuate or enable an energy leak, consider using your energy to advocate for yourself.

Because care, or love - whether it’s for yourself or another person - demands advocacy.  We advocate for those who can’t do so for themselves, but when it comes to us, we’re the ones responsible.  

Advocacy is not being aggressive, bossy, or “putting others in their place.”  That’s domineering behavior, which is, itself, a huge energy leak.

Instead, advocating for yourself with charity and integrity is an act of service to yourself and to the other party.  It means we are firm and honest, but we ultimately speak with kindness and sincerity.

But you cannot advocate if a) you are hiding behind a brick wall, in a default stance of

defensiveness or fear, or b) if you are helping to create or perpetuate a dynamic that is ultimately draining your energy unnecessarily, giving your power over to something that doesn’t deserve it.  

So, I ask you: does your energy expenditure align with your stated values and priorities?  Or is there some kind of disconnect there?  If so, it’s time to plug those energy leaks and practice some self-advocacy.  Practice communicating openly, honestly, and charitably.  Practice asking for help and support, and articulating your needs, clearly and unapologetically.

This kind of behavior builds up others, and empowers them to serve you, just as you serve them.  It provides them with an example of how they should treat you and others.

And sometimes, we need to advocate for ourselves to ourselves.  No, I’m not going to stay up late scrolling TikTok - I’m going to go to bed so I can get the rest I need to show up fully for my family tomorrow.  Yes, I am going to choose to work out because it will be a boost for my mental well-being later in the day.  No, I am not going to let my client reschedule her session for the fifth time - I am going to stick to my business policies because they are designed to help me adhere to the boundaries I’ve put in place for my well-being and the viability of my business.

These sound like small things.  Perhaps they are, but this is where we need to start.  We, as humans, are very good at giving into selfish desires and seeking instant gratification, but not very good about making seemingly undesirable, harder choices that will actually help us take care of ourselves.  And this is why it is a process - for everyone.

This is what true self-care is: making daily choices that will build up your own well-being; serving others with joy and authenticity and thus empowering them to do the same; and providing an example of how you and others should be treated.  All of these things make you a more whole, virtuous, integrated being, which is the ultimate goal.

There are a lot of people in the world who do not feel it is safe to speak up.  There are many whose voices feel unheard and who feel their needs are ignored by those closest to them.  There are many who feel disempowered and disenfranchised.  This is why we care for ourselves, advocate for ourselves, and steward our energy - so that we can love, serve, and build up others.  

Imagine if everyone in the world felt safe standing up for themselves.  Imagine if everyone was able to engage with everyone else in a charitable way that assumed the best of intentions, and listened to others’ needs and ideas.  

If you are privileged enough to be in a position to stand up for yourself, care for yourself, and steward your energy in a way that honors your well-being, do it - because in doing so, you will empower others to take similar steps, however small.  Your choices matter, both here in this realm, as well as in the cosmic realm, with consequences we sometimes cannot possibly comprehend here and now.

So let’s use our self-care to help us look outward.